The Pilots of the Dark Gundam
by wsprsndadrk
Summary: An epic that will touch every aspect of life from all the characters' perspectives.
1. Default Chapter Title

The Pilots of the Dark Gundam 

By wsprs*nda*drk Chapter 01

The Life That Could Have Been

Hey! For those who have been patiently waiting for my non-yaoi, here's where it all starts! (NO, I have nothing against yaoi. I have just been saturated by it and I think it's time for something new, that's all) I must apologize to those out there who think Releena must die. I salvaged her in my story. Don't worry, she's actually pretty cool. All the characters will be in my story and all will have major parts. It might take a while because this story is going to be an epic. So, keep reading and enjoy!!

PS The Dark Gundam is WAR.

Oh, the characters aren't mine, yada, yada, so on and so forth.

_I never would have known the difference. My life would have continued as it should have, normal for the most part. At least, as normal as it could have been being tattered and torn from all sides by war.I probably would have grown into my position as a diplomat in ways that seem sluggish and meaningless to me in this life. I probably would have become an ambassador of Earth and spread the popular but mythical notions of peace to the colonies in the only ways I could - make an appearance for the benefit of desperate eyes here; say a few words on behalf of those desperate folk to people with deaf ears there; try to negotiate with the barbaric monstrosities of Romafellar that govern humanity, armed with nothing more than the naive idea of a dream. For what you ask? For people who are so tired they don't even remember what they are fighting to gain! But that would have been ok. I would have fought for them. I would have been good at creating a façade of brilliance and hope so irresistible people would believe and trust in me. Maybe even I would have believed me. Maybe I would have thought I was accomplishing something. I might have even thought myself happy and complete. In any case, I would have been an excellent, albeit unknowing, puppet to any who would use my face, my words, and the dying power of my family name to spread their messages of oppression in the name of peace. Caught in an inescapable web... the perfect prey turned predator. Me. Doing as I'm told by those who have become my enemies in this life.Smoothing the fears of people and filling their heads with bright but hollow words that could never rally the desire for true freedom. Just doing as I am told. Believing I'm opening pathways to better, peaceful futures while in actuality I am making things worse. I'd only pacify their anger by encouraging non-violence. Make them easier to control. But better to spill into the world empty words than to be absolutely silent. Silence is admitting I will not even try to better the lives of my fellow beings. Silence is saying they are on their own. Better to lie and give false hope than to keep silent and to steal hope. Who knows? I probably would have believed the lie myself._

_***** _

_That doesn't matter. That life is a bad dream. It's not real! It just seems that I need to remind myself too often that _my_ life isn't _that_ life. Compared to the grand description of the diplomat I boast of being now, that life would have been listless and unbearable. Just because I wouldn't have recognized it as being such accomplishes nothing. So it's pointless to worry about it_.

Even so, shushed behind shallow breathing as though it were hiding but refusing to disappear, I can feel how close that life was to being truth. I can taste the bile churning in my clenched stomach. The icy fear of it clings to me like a sticky residue that lingers long past the fading nightmare.

**_Because I would never have known the difference. _**

_Yes, I know I would have lived the tactician profile beyond the call of duty in any life. It's in my blood. But had my life not been influenced by those five incredible paradoxes of the human spirit, I would have fallen into a life that would be everything I stand against. And I would never have known._

_*****_

_Maybe that's why my life has been as it has been. I just can't shake the feeling that without them, I would have flown through the years without changing anything no matter what I did. But now, I fight with as much passion as they do in the ways I can. I might not be as glamorous or gory, but I can still accomplish things they cannot. I can sign treaties and lead negotiations. I can arbitrate between two warring nations and create one peaceable nation. I can create out of their destruction. I heal where they wound. I can tread unscathed under truce where they would incite vicious battle.We are a team. We exist complementary. We are necessary opposites. We are the completion of human blood and tears. Heart and spirit. Love and hate. _

**_...and I never would have known the difference._**

**_*****_**

_I can almost believe that years exist as minutes. How many has it been? Almost 12 years since my first encounter? I know I am tied to them, but I wasn't aware until now just HOW STONGLY I have invested my feelings and my dreams in those five, and through them - countless more. How could have I? I didn't know so many feelings could be compacted within one human body. I suppose I should start from the beginning. Not the very beginning. I don't even know where that beginning establishes itself. So, I'll start from the moment I knew my life changed from the one it could have been to the one it is. The moment I met Heero Yuy. _


	2. Default Chapter Title

The Pilots of the Dark Gundam 

By wsprs*nda*drk

Chapter 02

Heero Yuy

I never remember how beautiful the moon truly is until I'm surrounded by the stillness and peace of space. I surrender to the calm that seeps from behind my rib cage and flows into my blood stream. As the orbital nears Earth, my body tenses slightly with the returning prickly sensation of weight. Numb relaxation returns to my limbs quickly, though. I can never be far from tranquility when Earth fills my vision. I sit comfortably staring out the shuttle's window. Serenity all but is torn from me as the com buzzes and instructs the passengers to take their seats. It's not the harsh rasp of the computerized voice, it's the body shift from my father next to me that caught my real attention. I miss him. I cannot dislike the time he spends away because I know the sacrifices he makes to help our battle stricken planet. He wishes peace no more than I, and I will gladly give up all that I can if it will help. But I see the hurt in his eyes when he thinks he has disappointed me. 

_I understand, father. But I still miss you. _

I smile at you when I notice you are looking at me. 

"Next time we're in space, we'll have to schedule free time." 

You grin at my joke. I'm glad. I love your smile, even though I see sadness inside it. 

_Don't worry. There will be a next time. There will be plenty of birthdays, but there are few chances for peace negotiations._

*****

I look out the window again. 

I blink once, but to be sure, I blink again.

And my eyes snap open so hard I feel they will stick. I feel my chest freeze painfully and I press my face close to the window. 

_Is that - ? Is that a military shuttle? _

From my side, I hear you breath catch and I feel the heat of your body pulse.

"Operation Meteor.."

It's not the words, it's the sound of near panic shushed in your voice that alerts me. 

_Operation Meteor...?_

I search my brain for those words. They tug at my memory - a phone call late at night for you.. I pick up the phone because I'm curious if you will leave again.. and.. YES!

_NO! The colonies are sending a secret demolition squad? No wonder you were called home early! I only hope the UESA (United Earth Sphere Alliance) will be able to do something. I can't think that after all of your efforts, Father, the colonies still wish war. The colonies... how desperate you must feel to do something so severe. What is being done that would drive you to such measures? _

I shake my head.

_I am sorry. I wish I understood._

*****

"Father! There are mobile suits! They're trying to destroy - "

"SHHH! Don't speak, Releena. Don't say anything at all." 

You grasp my hand tightly in warning or fear, maybe both. I look at you, but your face does not invite conversation. 

_Yes. I will be silent. I do not understand enough to ask you the right questions, anyway. _

So I look through the window once more. 

_I wish I understood, father. All I have is question after question, though. If we were listening to the colonies, why are the colonies going to such length to get a faction to Earth? What do they wish to accomplish? Why must Earth perceive it as aggressive? Why are we trying to shoot that pilot down? I know what you have told me, father. "Any hostility from the colonies will result in extreme retaliation" - but why? _

That realization finds me heated. I might not understand this war, but somehow I want the pilot of the military shuttle to make it to Earth. 

_Survive, pilot. I don't know who you are or what you want, but I do know that I want you to SURVIVE. _

*****

We land. I didn't realize I was so apprehensive until you touched my arm to get my attention. I wasn't even aware that we landed, though I watched the approaching landscape grow bigger below us through the window. I suppose my mind is still on the colonies. I also suppose my mood has turned sour because when I see the men waiting to escort you before we even complete disembarking, I feel myself scowl. I'm not sure if I want to cover it up before you see it, or If I just don't feel like talking with them, but I hear myself speak before I know what I'm saying.

"It's alright, father. You don't have to get a separate car for me. I'll find my own way home. Besides. I'd like to breathe the fresh air. Shuttles always make me groggy."

I turn to leave and feel your stare burning my back as I walk away.

********************************************************************************

The beach walk near the shore will take me home. I love walking there. It clears my mind. It's the ocean. The waves are quiet, yet have a strength that alludes to an unseen power hidden within them. They have a depth that promises the answers to secrets if you can only think of what questions to ask. I never feel so powerless and hopeless when I hear them sing. I've never felt such longing as when I hear their song. Anything so vast and beautiful, yet so utterly unfathomable inspires a search. And tonight, I am looking for something. Maybe understanding, maybe the right questions. Maybe nothing. I don't know what it is, or where I'll find it. I just know I will recognize it when I locate it. And it feels... close. It is - I can't explain. It's something outside the capacity of comprehension. Maybe it's a feeling outside of thought all together. I know that I have always searched for it. But I also know I have never felt it quite like this before. Maybe it was what happened on the shuttle, but... This time it feels so familiar ! I can't begin to explain. It's like a dream you wake up from and haven't forgotten all the way, but can't quite recall precisely, either. Or a smell from a misplaced childhood memory. So close but far away because you're helpless to remember.

*****

And all at once, I'm disrupted from my contemplation as a rubber band snaps inside my head. That same icy feeling from the shuttle forms inside my chest. 

_There's a PERSON over there in the water!_

I can't seem to remember how to move, and my limbs feel numb. Somehow I get my legs to work and carry me into the ocean. I either misjudge the distance or I'm going even faster than I thought because I almost crash into you. Even so, I stop right as I reach you, just to loose my balance in the current. Face down in the water, I almost choke. 

_Whoever you are, you're _heavy!_ _

The strength of the pulling waves adds to your weight and makes it even more difficult for me to get a good grip on you. I can hear myself grunt with strain.

_I can't seem to drag you to shore.. you're just too hard to hold on to!_

While Fumbling around for a sturdy hold, my head breaks in and out of the water and I am able to see that your air hose is punctured. Sea water is flooding in. 

_If I don't remove your helmet, you will die. I only hope that someone wearing a military uniform will be forgiving of the intrusion. _

I laugh at that. I can barely get you out of the ocean to save you, why am I worrying about your reaction? 

_Well, if I can't get you to land, I'll pull your helmet off here.._

My temporary giddiness fades and panic races through my fingers as I turn you over. 

_Mother of God, I hear the water gurgling in your tube. PLEASE, live! I don't know where the strap is! God, help me! It's melted onto the helmet! The release!? Where is the release?? Welded shut!I have to pull it off! Dear God, I can't do it! _

**_"Please! Somebody HELP me! …"_**_"Please!!… __please__…!"****_

I hear myself sobbing the words, too weak to carry above the sound of the sea.

_I will NOT give up. I will NOT let you die. _

A distant thought echoes outside my consciousness. Seams I'm telling a lot of people to survive, today. Some far away part of me smiles. The rest of me is trying to ignore the tears that stream from my eyes, the salt water that burns my nose, and the sand that tears at my skin. My throat is raw. My fingers are frozen from the chill of the water. I ignore the pain and push them brutally through the cracks in your helmet. 

_I HAVE to pull it off. I must! _

I tear at the cracks and push my fingers deeper into the crevices. I pull against the fibers until I feel the flesh being pulled from the bones of my hands. I can actually hear the meat of my palms squish above the pounding of my heart and the beating waves on the rocks. 

_I... can't... do... it...It's no use! _

I push that away and shriek with effort. 

**"AAAUUUGGGGNNNHHuuhuuhhuu!!" **

And in my terrified frenzy, a surge of strength comes to me and I frantically force that blessing into my shredded hands. I hear the groan of strained plastic give way and crack. Your helmet comes into my tattered hands in halves.

"WHHUAAAAHAA!!!"

My eyes fly open in surprise as my body is thrown backwards in the water. I let the helmet pieces fall to the current and struggle to gain my footing once again. It's now I realize you are free. In sheer relief, I whoop and loose my balance again. Reality slaps me across the face and I realize you aren't safe yet. My man handling your head gear was the only force keeping your head above water. Quickly, I push my way through the waves to where you are. To where you _were._

"DAMN!" 

I feel around for your sinking body. 

_This isn't working..!_

I dive into the water, grope hysterically for appendages, and grab the first body part I could find. Your hair, I think. With a suicidal grip, I muscle you onto the shore. 

I've never fumbled so much in my life, but at least I know you won't die from my lack of trying. 

I turn you onto your side and put my ear to your mouth. You sound like you are violently trying to suck air into your abused lungs, so I do the first thing that pops in my head. I hit your back as hard as I can. And immediately wince and cradle my injured hand.

_OOOHH! That's going to hurt in the morning. _

After the bite of pain eases, I check to see if your breathing has eased. And instantly fight off a wave of queasiness.

_Eww, yuck! Whatever that was you just coughed up is NOT pretty. _

I take a big, much needed breath and scold myself for being trivial.

_But at least you're breathing now_. 

I try to look you over quickly to see if there are any other major wounds or obstacles that would be detrimental to your health if not addressed immediately. I don't see anything nasty. The water has acted as a glue and your uniform has adhered to your body. 

_There's no way I can remove it to see if there is damage present underneath. I don't have the strength and my hands are useless, anyway. You're just going to have to stay alive without me long enough so I can call for an ambulance. _

"Do you hear me? Stay alive!"

And I run as fast as I can for the phone I know is right up those stairs on the beach walk.

*****

_Good. You're still alive. _

I kneel down and turn you on your back to make your breathing easier. It's now that I have a real chance to look at you. I move your hair out of your eyes, and..and.. I feel that I've just been shot in the stomach. 

_You - you can't be any older than I!_

And from nowhere, you roar awake and vault away from me. A moment ago, I would have bet my soul you were near dead. And now you're moving so quickly, I'm having trouble following one movement to the next.

_And why are you hiding your face? _

Behind your hand, I can see the confusion leaping from horrified, panicked eyes. A quiet hiss escapes your lips, almost to faint to detect. 

"Did you see!?"

Baffled at why you would react this way, I can only ask,

"See what?"

My eyes grow cold inside my head and my chest aches from the sudden departure of a heart beat.

_A GUN? Where did you get a gun? And why are you pointing it at me?_

_*****_

_I don't know who you are, but I do know you just saved my life. I wish you had not. _

White dances before my eyes and I feel my head grow heavy. I pull my thoughts tightly around me to keep sleep at bay.

_But at least I will have the chance to destroy Wing Gundam. And you... _

My body wants to give in. To collapse. To surrender.

_You do not have my gratitude. You will not invoke compassion with that look in your eyes. _

I blink wearily as I attempt to stare through your gaze, try to see into your thoughts. Something is there.. something - my mind begins to fade and your eyes become ghosts burning in the back of my skull. I shake myself mentally. 

_I.. can't.. see inside you. Too weak._

I stumble forward, but catch myself.

_No matter the thoughts inside your eyes. You have seen more than you should have. For that, I will terminate you. _

I draw the gun I have hidden and point it at your head. Or rather, I move the mark back and forth between your heads.

_I will..I.. I,I will.._

Something is wrong with me. I can't see straight. Blurry – The ghosts of your eyes.. I feel the weight of the gun pulling my arm and try to wrestle my thoughts back under control.

_I will.. destroy you. You've seen me. You've seen... inside.._

I rally my remaining strength, raise the gun once more, and point it between your eyes. 

_Don't look at me._

The gun is shaking. It's pulsating with a raging thirst for blood. The trigger longs to be squeezed – 

_Stop looking at me!_

I narrow my eyes. I can feel my jaw clench, my lungs grow tight, and my body strain for control. _Plead_ for control.

_I... Can't. Do. It._ _Your. . . eyes. . . are burning me._

My ears scream at me as sirens announce an approach. An ambulance? Something whispers in the back of my mind.

_Escape..._

My eyes still on you, I allow myself to fall into instinct. My rigid body relaxes and wills survival mode to take control. The whisper snaps inside my brain and becomes a command.

_ESCAPE._

A burst of adrenaline courses through me as the order takes effect. I run past you, whoever you are, and dump you in the sand. 

_We will continue this, I vow. And when that time comes you will not have my sympathy and I will not hesitate. You will die. Not only for what you have seen, but also for what you have given me. _

_ _

_Regret._

*****

I see the gun, but it is as if it did not exist. I know time has not slowed or stopped, but I feel like we are inside an endless eternity. What happens right now will determine which path our lives will take in the future. And I cannot escape the haunted look in your eyes...

_Why are you afraid of me? What is so important that you would kill me to hide it? _

I can tell you are still weak. You've almost fallen twice, and your eyelids are fighting to close. Don't worry. I will not move to help you while you stand. You do not want me to help you. 

_But if you fall, I will do what I can to care for your wounds. You know that, don't you? _

You are fighting two battles. Duty to hide your secret from me, and instinct to give in to healing. 

_You will not give in to your body, though, will you? That is ok. I know you will not kill me, either. At least, not right now. I can see that in the way you're looking at me. You know I see that, too, don't you? It's almost as though you are afraid of that as much as you are of me._

You respond to my thoughts with a look of such helpless confusion and intensity, I find that I have neglected to function. I've allowed my mouth to hang open and my eyes to become saucers. My heart breaks. 

_What kind of hell have you seen to have that kind of pain swimming in your eyes? What strength can I give you so that you will not suffer?_

You blink and shake your head.

_Is THIS what I was looking for tonight? Are you going to show me what questions to ask? Are you the answer I've been seeking?_

I don't understand who you are, but I know somehow that you are going to teach me.

_And if you must kill me, I will not fight you. But please. I want to understand first. That's all I ask. Can you see that? Can you see that I am not your enemy? Can you see I'm not afraid? _

You tear past me and vault up the stairs. I hadn't noticed the sirens, but I certainly see you plow down three med techs and steal the ambulance. I pick myself off the sandy shore and gently place my bloodied hand into the air. 

_Damn. What stings now will be unbearable tomorrow._

"My name is Releena. What's yours?" 


	3. Default Chapter Title

The Pilots of the Dark Gundam 

By wsprs*nda*drk Chapter 03

He Followed Me to School One Day.

I must have been distracted because I found the top of the stairs before realizing I had reached the last step. Somehow, I was able to gain control of my wobbly legs and catch myself before plummeting onto the concrete. I barely noticed the falter in my pace as my feet automatically corrected themselves and found a semblance of balance before returning to the mechanical movements of walking. Unconsciously I hold my books tighter to me, forgetting to feel the biting pain from my torn hands.

_Who was he? Why is he here? _

I was looking forward, but I saw nothing. I numbly navigated the halls, not with vision, but rather with the practiced, automatic movements that come from following the same monotonous routine for many years. The patterns and mazes of hallways were by now etched in my memory.I could follow them blindly and oblivious of what I was doing, and arrive to my destination unaware of how I got there.

What holds him so severely he would willingly forsake his own freedom to protect it? Why else would he allow such demons to haunt him?…His eyes…

*****

A distant, gibberish sound broke through my hazed thoughts. Part of me hesitated momentarily at the out-of-place noise, but quickly abandoned the interruption and returned to the heaviness of my previous pondering. The noise sounded again, and was more insistent this time. I paused again, this time allowing the nonsensical blurb to form into something I could understand. A voice. A voice was beckoning to me. The last of my haze faded to the secret place unfinished thoughts retire, and I reluctantly awoke to the outside world.

"Relena? Relena! Are you OK? You look… I don't know, lost or.."

Her eyes fall to my bandaged hands.

"Or in… pain. Or something."

My eyes focus on the girl in front of me. Her slate-blue eyes were searching my face and were full of concern. I blinked a few times to chase away the remaining mist that clung to my mind and tried to smile.

If you could only imagine, my friend.

"I.. I'm fine. Rachel. Thank you."

I could tell she was desperately trying to keep her eyes averted. If she were to look at my hands, she knew as well as I she wouldn't be able to resist asking. But, thank her, she managed to be remotely successful. She took the books from my hands and we started walking. I hadn't realized I was so sore until my burden was taken from me, and I gently rubbed the wrappings. My flesh was still too raw to itch, but I didn't want the bandages to stick, either.She looked at me, and gave an unsympathetic frown. She wanted me to be sure she was very aware of my silence, and that she would allow me this escape, but that she wasn't happy about it. She knew I would explain when I was ready. 

"You got a haircut! It's lovely."

Her eyebrows crunched over her stony eyes, and a frustration dimple formed between them.

"You're going to have to do better than that, Relena."

Ok. Not fooled. Um.. 

"How was your winter?"

"That's better."

She nodded with content and proceeded to fly into a tangent. I mentally grin at myself.

Only one question, Rachel? Have you forgotten me so quickly, or are you more of a gossip than I remember?

My smile fades as I look sideways at my friend. 

I can always count on you, can't I?

I try to listen, but I'm too interested in watching the very unsubtle shifts of her facial features to pay attention, and her voice becomes foggy. Her face seems so.. innocent. And happy.

Not like him…

Her voice breaks through my thoughts and my attention is drawn back.

"Are you listening?"

With that, she turned back to her telling and ignored me again.

No, I wasn't listening. No matter. You will undoubtedly tell me again. And again. And again. 

This time my smile breaks to the surface.

Rachel. You are a good friend. But you **do** talk a lot. 

I sigh as we enter the classroom and glance at her from the corner of my eye once more. 

And for that, I thank you. 

*****

Rachel pokes me in the side and gestures for me to follow. I trace her line of sight and see a girl motioning to us vigorously from the back row. 

Tasha. Then where is..? 

Tasha has a groupie and doesn't even know it. Where she is, Nathan is not far behind, desperate to be noticed. And where Nathan is, Brittany and Courtney follow, desperate to get Tasha's left over scraps. I snort. I recover quickly, hoping Rachel didn't hear me. She would think it "beneath" me to be unapproving of others. She'd tell me it is her job to do that for me so I don't have to get my hands dirty. Ugh. I stretch on my toes behind Rachel as we find our way towards the top of the stairs.

Ah. There they are.

We arrive and Rachel plops herself into a vacant seat. Nathan tore his gaze from Tasha to look up at me. Up until last night, I thought he had the most – raw - look in his eyes I had ever seen. One of longing and dedication, love and devotion. When he looks at Tasha, anyway. 

But that was **before**last night. Now, there is another with a look in his eyes even more sad and piercing than yours.

"Where's Relena going to sit?"

Tasha stopped talking, but left her mouth hanging open, frozen on an unspoken word.

"Uhhh…"

I smile.

"Don't worry. I'll sit over there. See? There's a couple of empty spots."

Courtney cringed, appalled. 

"You're gonna sit downthere? With… them?"

I glance at her briefly, trying to keep my face expressionless. I must have failed because she visibly tensed. I answer her by turning my back and claiming an empty seat three rows down. I must not have moved far enough away because I hear a "whispered" insult thrown in my direction. I set my face in a stern, unwavering expression and am rewarded with the sound of a slap moments later. My eyes widen at the mental image of what must have just taken place. In spite of my guilt, I try, but fail to suppress a grin.

A bit over much, but thank you, Rachel!

The drama continued behind me.

"Well I never!"

"Good! Then I don't have to worry about you hitting back!"

Courtney stormed from the room, a red hand mark flaunting smugly on her cheek.

"Wait! Courtney..!"

Brittany stumbled after Courtney. Let her. They were meant for each other.

From behind me I hear giggling. 

"Don't worry, they'll be back. They just wanted to make a scene to invoke sympathy, that's all. When they don't get it, they'll be all sweets and sugar again. Watch."

I was watching. But not Courtney or Brittany. My eyes followed them as far as the door, and almost leaped from my head as their presence in the doorway was replaced by someone all together different. I could feel my body freeze and my heart struggle to beat against a chest that was crushing it. 

It's HIM!

*****


	4. Default Chapter Title

The Pilots of the Dark Gundam 

By wsprs*nda*drk Chapter 04

There is Something About Heero.

He walked in slowly and casually, but with a dangerous grace that screamed predator. His stoic yet bottomless eyes calmly glazed over the room, taking everything in. They seemed so.. Indifferent, but I knew there would be nothing that escaped his vision. And then they briefly rested on me. I jumped involuntarily and felt my body grow rigid and my heart swell with ice. It was only for a fraction of moment, but I was sure his eyes found me. He saw me. I tried not to slump in my chair as I fought for control of my breathing.

It's pointless to try and hide now, Relena. He's already seen you. Relax. Be calm. Be calm. 

He licked his lips as his scan of the room completed, his eyes finally coming to rest on the floor in front of him. I try to scan his face, but – nothing. Absolutely nothing. Yet.. and I don't know why, for some reason there is a.. power.. radiating from him. He stands there, meekly, but there is no doubt that he is in absolute command here. And I know he's looking at me. He's looking right at me even though I can't see his cold and calculating eyes through his hair. His face doesn't betray a smile, I can feel it. And I've never felt so vulnerable in all my life. Or so willing to submit. I feel tears sting the back of my eyes – how long has it been he's allowed me to blink? 

Please. Let go of me. Please. 

I feel the tension partially drain from me and I shudder uncontrollably. He looks up and directly at me, permitting me to see that he knows I'm aware of his utter control over me. You are getting even with me? For the pain I saw swimming inside your eyes last night?

He steps back and blinks once, and slowly looks away as the teacher approaches. I find I am finally free to cave in. My eyes squeeze tightly and I feel two hot tears pave their way down my face. I feel exhausted. I feel.. I don't know what I feel. But I'm reminded of thoughts that seem even closer to the truth now than they did last night.

~If you must kill me, I will not fight you. But please. I want to understand first. That's all I ask. Can you see that? Can you see that I am not your enemy? Can you see I'm not afraid?~

I look at my hands, wrapped in bandages. I try to make fists with them, but the flesh is too damaged to obey. The pain seems to lessen my emotional confusion, so I continue to clench and release, clench and release. The room seems to shift uncomfortably, and I look up as the teacher motions for him to introduce himself. He doesn't look at me, but he doesn't need to any longer. I can tell he is talking to me. His words may not say what he means, but I can hear what he says behind them. 

"Heero Yuy. It's a pleasure."

But to me, you're holding a gun to my head again.

*****

"Why don't you go sit by Relena, Heero? There is an unoccupied seat right next to her. And don't be shy, I'm sure she'll be able to answer all of your questions."

Relena.

I made my way to the vacancy beside you and lowered myself into the seat. I wait for you to greet me, and when you find that I will not respond, you turn away. Just to be sure, I wait for a few more seconds before I open my lids and study you from the corner of my eye. I look at your hands, wrapped in bandages. They have started to bleed through. 

You should have let me die, Relena. Now there will be more than your blood on your hands. The people I must kill to destroy wing.. their blood belongs to you now as well. 

I look down at my own hands.

And your blood will stain mine.

My eyes go to the woman in front of the chalk board, but my attention is dedicated to determining the computer codes I will need to break into OZ.

I'm coming, Wing.

*****

You shift in your seat and I take my eyes from the front of the class so they can find their way to your face. I find that I am…surprised… at you. I have held a gun to your head, and you do not fear me. You are genuinely… content... to sit next to me. What is more, you have shown sympathy and compassion. You have shown me things I have never known, and cannot accept. But I understand…I can see the desperate desire to find the understanding which is denied you. But I cannot give it you.

_Why? Why do I regret?_

No matter. Your life is still mine. You have seen too much. And now that you know I have reclaimed the control you stole from me last night, I will not hesitate a second time to claim it. 

_Then why do I still regret?_

I sigh and mentally thrash myself as the sound invites your eyes to dart in my direction. You can't tell that I'm watching you, but I know exactly what you're thinking. So stop. I can't give you anything but your death, so why do you insist on searching my face for answers again and again? No one has those answers. Especially not me. 

I'm just the messenger. And the message I bear brings nothing but death.

*****

I rise as the bell sounds and move past you quickly before you can call my attention. I don't want conversation. Especially from you. No matter what control I took back, I can't look at you and forget the phantoms from last night.

~My mind begins to fade and your eyes become ghosts burning in the back of my skull.

You've seen me. You've seen... inside.~

I kill the thought as brutally as I can. I've made a vow to complete my mission, and when I have done so, I will return to fulfill the vow I've made you.

_~You will die. Not only for what you have seen, but also for what you have given me. _

_Regret.~_

I make my way to the balcony overlooking the school. Earth's air is soothing, and I allow myself to be calmed by it. I look down and visually caress the trees and the birds, taking in what I can, while I can. 

_Wing has been seen and must be destroyed, and me with it. It's the only way to protect what beauty there is left. I'm sorry.._

Sorry. I mentally roll the word over my tongue, tasting it slowly. 

_Maybe regret isn't so bad.. _

*****

My thoughts are disrupted as I hear hushed whispers coming from behind me. I rise and turn in time to see… _her_… coming towards me. She looks so.. serene. And hopeful.

_Luxuries I am meant to protect that I do not understand nor have._

"Um. Excuse me."

You hold something out to me. For a moment, I don't know if I should take the slip of paper or if I should walk away. One look into your eyes makes the decision for me. 

_Why? Why can't I escape the ghosts?_

"It's an invitation. To my birthday tomorrow. I hope you will be able to join us, I would be delighted to have you."

For a minute, I look at the invitation in my hand. Nothing more, just look at it, and feel the weight of it. The texture between my fingers.

I never knew I would cherish normalcy, short lived as it must be. But I did. I did.

_You've saved my life. You've given me regret. Now you have given me a glimpse of what it must feel like to touch a piece of the beauty I was never meant have, only meant to protect from afar._

I took the invitation and did the only thing I could to protect my own sanity. I tore it in half. I felt you flinch and watched you bow your head. I was apathetic towards the crowd that had formed, neither did I care about the comments that would be born of this. I was looking at you. I was watching the only moment of a normal life I have ever known be destroyed.

_You're so fragile. You rely too much on what you see because you don't understand. _

I chided myself. Last night I was desperate for her to take her eyes from me, and now I was reprimanding her for being unable to see what I was trained to hide. Something I am supposed to hide at any cost. Even from myself.__

You raised your head and looked at me to whisper yet another question I can't answer.

"Why?"

I don't know if it was the fact that you could actually look me in the eye, if it was the tears threatening to spill from your lids, or if was just those damn ghosts haunting me again, but something cold hit me and twisted its way from my stomach and lodged into my throat.

_I can't defend the defenseless if I regret what I must do. I can't walk away from what is beautiful to protect it if I become too infatuated with it to leave it behind. I can't afford to understand what you keep trying to give me. That is why I must keep my vow and terminate you. _

I closed my eyes. From you, from me.. either way, I can't allow these thoughts to continue. 

_You should have let me die, Relena._

I turned to walk away, but as I brushed past you, I stopped. 

_I have to crush the hope. I can't let you believe you have gotten to me. _

You looked at me, hope alight in your eyes. I tried, but I can't deny the ghosts any longer.

_If you must give me something, give me that which I have forsaken the right to have._

I claim a tear that was almost free from your eye and rub it between my fingers, in awe by it's short but significant life. Feeling the wetness of tears was something I have never done before, but I understand it completely. 

_Your only purpose is to die. But in your death, you take with you the pain and suffering of the one who abandoned you to your fate._ _And so I abandon you as well. Take with you my confusion and leave me with the strength to do what I must do._

I flick the tear away and attempt to keep my voice uncaring.

"I will destroy you."

And with that, I leave the beauty behind.


End file.
